The
Torture Chamber
by Night Watchman
February 24, 2008
Reader discretion advised
Remember: There is no actual torture in the
Torture Chamber. We just scare those who tortured us
during the week with their bile spewing.
Monday - Damn! You again? Didn't I crack one your
nuts last week and for the same reason you're here
today? Within a week of dreaming up the idea of a
fashion magazine you and your partners have sold
most of the advertising space out and only today
you've purchased an old warehouse to be used as
office space and publishing and for Jack Abbott's
foundation? How do you freaks do it? Where did you
get all that money? Have you bought printing presses
too? You want us to believe that a magazine can go
into print just like that? Well, Mr. Nick, Dwayne
and I aren't, if you'll pardon the pun, buying it.
Pull his pants down. Ha! You call yourself a man?
Ever seen one so small, Dwayne? Hand me the
nutcracker. Damnit Dwayne! Not the CD. Never mind. I
still can't find the other one. Okay, bend... now
what did I tell you last week? Stop pissing on my
clean floor! Give me the whip. CRACK, CRACK. That's
for not going through escrow. Ever heard of escrow,
Nick? I don't care if your name is Newman. You can't
just buy a building and move in until the property
goes through escrow. Get him out of my sight. No,
no. Our next guest will clean up his pee.
She's dead? I knew the Grim Reaper was in Kansas,
but I was hoping we could get Hopeless Adams Newman
here in time to see my chamber before I poke her
other eye out. I know she's blind, but it would have
been fun to see if she feels pain in color like she
has, um, had flashbacks. So who do we have waiting?
If it ain't Mr. Child Molester mommy's boy! Broken
any laws recently, Kevin? Had sex with an underage
girl? I wasn't around when you raped Lily Winters.
Relax, Kevin. I'm not going to torture you for that.
Lily Winters has proven herself to be a slut. I hope
she gets pregnant with Cane Ashby's baby. It'll
serve her right. You, I'm gonna kick in the ass.
That's all. Why? For lying! I don't like liars. You
said the poison Gloria is drinking would be
"non-lethal". Remember that? You do, don't you
Dwayne? So why'd you lie, Kevin? What poison is
mommy taking that is not as dangerous as antifreeze?
I outta kick your ass for not killing the murdering
bug-eyed bitch in the first place. I knew Emma
Gibson. She was a good woman. Sad to say, we got to
keep Gloria around because she's driving the
Abbott's crazy. I might even let her off the hook if
she does something evil to the kid. Noah, yeah. I
didn't have the boy hauled into the chamber after he
called Abby Carlton for tips on how to get rid of
Gloria, but I'll get him. Oh! I'm amazed! You took
it like a man. That's more than I can say for Nick
Newman. See what he did to my clean floor? Lick it
up and you can leave.
Tuesday - Roll him in! So it's true, what Brent has
already said. You're a pussy! A hunkmonkey with no
hunk. You bitch and moan about not wanting your new
bride to go back to work and then what do you do?
You tell her it's okay to go back to work? You think
putting your young baby in the Newman Enterprises
daycare center is good for a child that age? You
think it's good that you push that kid around in a
baby buggy in the freezing Wisconsin cold? You think
just two weeks of coming out of a coma going to work
is good for your wife when there's no stinking
reason she should be doing anything except staying
at home with that freakish baby? It's clear who
wears the pants in your family, J.T. Pull his dress
down, Dwayne. Oh heavens! Don't you use toilet paper
after doing your business? You ever seen such
stains, Dwayne. Get him out of here! Just what I'd
expect from hunkmonkey.
Make a note, Dwayne. When Victor Newman gets home
we've got to get him into the chamber somehow. Let's
see, tell him Michael Scott is back and wants to
talk to him about Julia. On your next trip to
Walgreen's get a box of marbles. I've got something
in mind for a man who buries the mother of his son
within hours of her death. Wait! Scratch that! We'll
give the old man a pass this week. He refused to
advertise in Nick's magazine and he's going to sell
the Ponderosa outhouse. Now, if he kicks Nick and
that bitch Phyllis out of the tackyroom we just may
have to give him a yearly pass.
Wednesday - Okay, bring her in. What? Oh, that's
right. Hopeless Adams Newman, God rest her soul.
Looks like we got the day off, Dwayne. Hopeless! If
you can hear me up there, you're a lucky girl. When
I read in the GCN that you once wanted to abort your
child, I dulled my best knife. If you weren't
already dead I would have gutted your uterus. You
got some nerve lugging that Braille Bible around,
preaching the Lord's Gospel, and considering an
abortion. Ain't you pro-life? Don't you know women
were meant to have babies, not kill them? Oh well,
maybe in your next life we'll meet again. More
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